My mom’s here. She flew in on Friday morning so we could celebrate her birthday this week. I wish she lived closer, so I cherish the moments she does get to come visit. She’s currently sitting on the back porch listening to the birds, a spot she will spend about 60% of her visit sitting because she loves being outside.

Steve loves to remind me how much I’m like my mom, especially when she’s here. I guess I never saw it, but when someone else points it out it’s so obvious. We’re both a little bit of a clean freak. We both take forever with our bathroom routines, and we love lotions, potions, and anything that smells good. We’d both rather be staring at the sky or reading something on our phone rather than watching TV. We both sneeze exactly the same way—if you know, you know. And we both say “hill” with the most eastern Tennessee accent you’d think we just swallowed our tongue.

I get all of this from her and probably the women before her. A lineage of loud sneezers and obsessive cleaners.

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Know thyself. Above all else.” The first part of that, "Know Thyself" or "Gnothi Seauton," is carved into the Temple of Apollo in the ancient Greek precinct of Delphi. It doesn’t say to know the future or know the gods. The instruction is to know yourself first. We often go get birth charts or tarot readings, take personality tests, etc., to discover who we are. But a way to do that, I think, is often downplayed: literally just spending a week with the people who made you, watching your own gestures show up on somebody older.

I think there are two versions of ourselves that show up in a family dynamic.

There’s the one you learned to be that kept the peace, got you noticed, made you responsible out of necessity, or the one who never really asked for anything. You unconsciously built this self early without much self-input. It was out of trial and error, and whatever might have kept you safe or shown you attention. It’s not a fake version of you, just one born out of pure instinct and survival.

And underneath it, there's the other one, the you that might show up when no one else is looking. The you that played in the tall grass when you were by yourself, or the one that showed up in the moments when you daydreamed. Most of “figuring out who you are” is understanding how to wake that second one up and get better acquainted with them.

Lineage helps because it gives you the perfect opportunity to see both living together at the same time. When my mom deflects a compliment by immediately naming something she should have done better, I immediately clock it because I do it too. I've actually done it this week. Twice.

We’ve often talked about how the body knows before the mind does. We inherit so many things from our lineage, way more than just our hair color and high blood pressure. The way a family holds stress (or refuses to) gets carried in the body before anyone understands it, and you can spend an embarrassing number of years reacting out of a pattern nobody ever chose yet feels oddly intentional.

Monday’s carousel post was about the Wheel of Fortune turning regardless of your best intentions or plans. Mercury’s about to go direct, and it’s about to be Leo season. My mom getting another year older is just another reminder of my own aging. All of these things are outside of our control.

Knowledge of who we actually are is the one thing on the wheel that stays put while the rest of it spins. None of us can be perfect, but we can know enough of ourselves to know which reactions are ours and which might be learned or mimicked behaviors from our childhood.

Name a pattern you picked up unconsciously from someone else.

Don't immediately start diagnosing yourself or turn it into a social media caption. Just sit with it first and observe. Let it exist as it is; don’t see it as either bad or good. Just see it. And notice what part of you shows up to talk about it or defend it. Ask them if it’s something you should keep. This could be an important conversation with yourself to journal about.

And some things you will keep! I don’t see a world in which I don’t clean the entire house when I get stressed out, and I’ve made peace with that. I understand it and recognize it when I’m doing it. I know what it means in my body. All that to say that choosing to do a thing is different than just inheriting it. To me, this is literally what “know thyself” means. It’s why I love it when Steve calls out new ways I mimic my mother; it’s another chance I get to know myself a little more.

I’d also say that this ultimately depends on the nature of your relationship with your parents or elders. Don’t do this if that relationship is raw or estranged. Nobody needs to deal with the realization that they are acting like the person who may have harmed them in the past. That’s a session you need to have with your therapist, not your journal or a deck of tarot cards.

Something I don’t hear a lot of people talk about is how knowing yourself doesn’t actually just end with you. This is part of the work that fills your cup up enough that it will make it easier for you to be in relationship with others; I have an entire carousel post coming out about this next Monday.

This week, I get to spend time with a woman who taught me more about myself than she will probably ever know. I get to celebrate another year of life with her. We will laugh, shop, pull tarot cards, eat cheese and crackers, and listen to the birds. I’m so lucky every moment I get to spend with her. And now I’m crying.

Go out and know yourselves, friends. And after you do, come hang out for a bit. I want to hear all about it.

xo,
Chad

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